


Just Once

by The_Honeyed_Moon



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock - Fandom
Genre: Established Relationship, Insomnia, Longing, M/M, Post sign of three, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-11 02:23:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Honeyed_Moon/pseuds/The_Honeyed_Moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We've all had a night when sleep has eluded us, wondering about what might have been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Once

_Just once. What if I had, just once?_

_What if I had taken your hand in a cab? Would you have pulled away as if I had scalded you somehow? Or would you have turned your hand over and entwined our fingers, pressing our palms together in a miniature embrace._

_I have patched up your wounds on more occasions than I care to recount. What if, just once I had touched your cheek, brushed my fingers across your skin – not to heal but to caress. Would you have leaned into the touch? Closed your eyes and rested your face in my hands or would you have regarded me with a look of confusion, or worse, disdain?_

_How much time could I have saved? Would I have saved you from having to fake your death and leave me behind? If I had kissed you, even once, would you have told me the truth? Would you have brought me with you to keep you safe?_

_If I had kissed you would you have kissed me back? Softened your mouth and opened to the flutter of my tongue against your lips? Would you taste as sharp as you seem or would you have been sweet, like tea with too much sugar? Just once, I should have tried._

_I should have tried._

_Would you have wanted more, if I had kissed you, caressed your face? Would you have pressed your body against mine to find me hard and wanting? Would that have scared you? I did want you. I can admit that now. God._

_You broke my heart when you fell. Then you came back to me and broke it all over again, because it was too late, I had Mary. I love Mary._

_I love you too, but it’s too late._

All of these thoughts chased themselves through John’s mind as he lay awake hours after the wedding reception had ended. Hours after he and Mary had made love for the first time as a married couple. She cried out her pleasure as John spilled into her, but he had another face in his mind and another name trapped behind his lips.

The look on Sherlock’s face on the dance floor after he had made his vow was what John kept seeing, what was accompanying his racing thoughts and keeping him awake. The look that was both lost and sad and said that he knew also that it was too late; that Sherlock had missed his opportunity.

What if John had danced with Sherlock at the reception? Half the room thought they had been a couple at some point or another anyway, what would one silly dance have mattered? Would the world have ended? Probably not.

John rolled towards Mary and placed his hand on her middle, just below her navel. She stirred slightly and settled back into sleep. John was building a life with Mary now – literally, as Sherlock had pointed out – and it was just beginning its own tiny fluttering’s, somewhere, just under where his hand rested.

If he had tried one of those things, just once, maybe he could sleep now and maybe it would be Sherlock beside him in the bed.


End file.
